Dear Daily Mirror:
The problem is hereditary, so all 62,041,268 are hopeless.
You may recall that our anglo-saxon forefathers were crude rabble-rousers who met in Philadelphia about 230 years ago and started all this trouble.
Nowadays, its shameful how we Americans tend to waste our time raising children, working, and minding our own business when we could be doing something really important, like supervising European elections.
We would like to help. Its pretty clear that the EU and London news outlets need help to comprehend the difference between socialism and democracy.
Dear Guardian:
On behalf of President Bush, let me thank you for your help in his re-election. The reverse psychology you used on the voters of Clark Co., Ohio, worked to perfection.
Your mailings to those on the county voter list using the pretense that you wanted them to support socialist John Kerry worked so well that Clark was the only one of Ohio's 88 counties that switched from blue (Gore) in election 2000 to red (Bush) in election 2004. —
I hope you will forgive the hostility of those from Clark county who misunderestimated your intentions… You know, the ones who said:
"Real Americans aren't interested in your pansy-ass, tea-sipping opinions."
"We don't need weenie-spined Limeys meddling in our presidential election."
"If you want to save the world, begin with your own worthless corner…"
But I appreciate England's assistance in the history of American politics.
Your help in making America a great military power has not been forgotten.
When we were a poor nation (in addition to our inherited mental deficiencies) you were generous enough (in 1775 and 1812) to send over bright red targets for our emerging marksmen.
Those targets were very useful to our soldiers at Lexington and Concord and Gen. Jackson found them extremely helpful at New Orleans in January, 1815.
(Remember how old Andy pretended that he didn't know the War of 1812 had already ended and proceeded to shoot the s--t out of every redcoat in sight… Bawhahahahahaha, ole Andy was a card, wasn't he?)
Unfortunately, President Bush's predecessor spent eight years "in bed" with the socialist-pacifist of Canada and Europe and almost destroyed the magnificent armed forces that we had built up over the preceding two hundred years.
Now, hard times are here again and we need your help once more. Could you arrange to send a fresh batch of targets? Please see that they wear those pretty red coats.
You will find plenty of highly desirable targets in the editorial offices of the Daily Mirror, The Guardian and at BBC. — And oh, by the way. Please inform the targets that they should not fight like Frenchmen nor hold back as though they're under the command of Bernard Law Montgomery. Tell them to at least try to make a sport out of it.
. . . . . Sincerely, your obedient cousin, Frank Laughter
P.S. While we rebuild our military, I know you will feel safe knowing that your ever reliable and dependable friends, the mighty French, are just across the channel and will eagerly send any help you may need.
P.P.S. It may provide some comfort to know that there are those in America who understand the dilemma revealed by Election 2004. Specifically, Bill Gates and Microsoft have published numerous post-election articles through Slate magazine to analyze the stupidity of those who don't agree with them. Excerpts from a Slate column by Jane Smiley demonstrates what I mean:
I am going to be the one to say it: The election results reflect the decision of the right wing to cultivate and exploit ignorance in the citizenry… Ignorance and bloodlust have a long tradition in the United States, especially in the red states… Listen to what the red state citizens say about themselves, the songs they write, and the sermons they flock to. They know who they are — they are full of original sin and they have a taste for violence… The error that progressives have consistently committed over the years is to
underestimate the vitality of ignorance in America…
Here is how ignorance works: First, they put the fear of God into you — if you don't believe in the literal word of the Bible, you will burn in hell. Of course, the literal word of the Bible is tremendously contradictory, and so you must abdicate all critical thinking, and accept a simple but logical system of belief that is dangerous to question… The history of the last four years shows that red state types, above all, do not want to be told what to do — they prefer to be ignorant. As a result, they are virtually unteachable…
Progressives have only one course of action now: React quickly to every
outrage — red state types love to cheat and intimidate, so we have to assume the worst and call them on it every time. We have to give them more to think about than they can handle — to always appeal to reason and common sense, and the law, even when they can't understand it and don't respond.
Notice… Smiley understands that the whole population between New York and Los Angles is "virtually unteachable." However, I offer two words of caution when evaluating her comments: She lives in California, and she hates her mama. She also said:
I grew up in Missouri and most of my family voted for Bush, so I am going to be the one to say it: The election results reflect the decision of the right wing to cultivate and exploit ignorance in the citizenry. I suppose the good news is that 55 million Americans have evaded the ignorance-inducing machine. But 58 million [that should be 60.6 million] have not. (Well, almost 58 million—my relatives are not ignorant, they are just greedy and full of classic Republican feelings of superiority.)
[Dear Ms. Smiley:
We deeply regret that your relatives don't share your humility. However, we are happy to learn that they are not as bad as… them. Could you pinpoint where in Missouri your relatives live so that we can mark that spot on our map as "possibly safe for travel?"
Thanks from the bowels of the beast: . . . . . Red-state Frank]
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